


Ceiling Fan

by russianhousedj



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Angst, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Oneshot, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 16:38:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7722058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russianhousedj/pseuds/russianhousedj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU where Jack is selfish, indecisive, and kind of wants to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ceiling Fan

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this written for so long but never got around to posting it, mostly because I'm not sure how people will take it. I know that not everyone is as into this kind of sad, super angsty stuff as I am, but I hope you'll take it for what it is and (maybe) enjoy it anyway!! Comments are welcomed, encouraged, praised, etc etc.

It's 2:37 in the morning, and he's crying again. It's stupid, it won't solve anything, and he knows that. Worst of all, it might wake Signe up, though he's sure he can just feed her some story about being nervous about everything. Which wouldn't even be a total lie, just not the whole truth. She might think it's about the wedding, though it's not until a year later. Or that it’s just about anything else going on in Jack's life, because things have been hectic for him lately. It just so happens that he's upset about the one thing she doesn't know about, though. The one thing that she can't attempt to make better, what she would ruin if she tried.

_"Why do you have to be like this? God, you're so fucking selfish!"_

The words ring through his head as he lays there silently on his back, the tears trickling down the sides of his face, to his ears and neck. He hears a neighbor’s dog barking somewhere outside.

It's the fact that he knows Mark is completely right that makes everything hurt. His back hurts, and his head aches, though he's sure that's mainly due to the endless drinking. He _knows_ he's selfish. Fuck, he's brought too many people into this mess and he didn't mean to, honestly. But even though there's a way to basically fix it all, Jack will stay away from it and just keep dragging people behind him and letting them take the damage he keeps causing, all because that's just what's easiest for him. To pretend like nothing's wrong and smile at the right times and never tell anyone what they actually need to hear. And he's not even really sure what makes him do it.

\--

A week later, and his head is still a mess. Jack’s head is always a mess, though, so there's no surprise there. The shower is on its hottest setting, raining down on his skin, but he still for some reason feels a little cold. It's burning his skin, red blotches appearing on his back and neck to compliment the freckles on his shoulders. And he just leans against the wall and waits for something better to happen. Signe's calling his name. Hopefully she doesn't ask what took him so long once he's out. 

The water keeps on; it's almost like he doesn't feel it.

He could almost fall out of the bar stool he's in, Jack feels so tired. He leans his head on his kitchen counter and laughs a little at a joke his fiancée makes. Signe always was really funny. Honestly though, Jack's whole life is a joke at this point. She of all people should be able to realize that by now.

She doesn't.

Instead, Signe stays as oblivious as always and slides Jack some tea across the granite. It's hot and Jack has a want to go back to the shower where it's even hotter. But he puts more milk in than usual so that the taste is pretty dull, representing how dull he feels himself. He figures he can settle with this for just the time being.

The news on the television makes him feel tired. Jack doesn't listen well, because he starts imagining himself on the screen; his own stupid hair and the stupid bags under his eyes on the news as someone talks about how he hung himself in his bedroom. Would anybody even talk about it? It probably wouldn't even make the TV, just all the stupid website articles that never cared about him unless it was to use his name for clickbait. Maybe the viewers would mourn for a bit. But they don’t _know_ him. Really, he doesn’t even know himself at this point. Signe shakes his shoulder gently and tells him she's going to go get coffee with some friends. He doesn't care, but tells her he hopes she has a good time, and that he loves her. Jack is already thinking about death again before he can even catch her saying, "I love you, too."

\--

Mark doesn't like some of the things that Jack does. He doesn't like how he apologizes so often. He doesn't like the way Jack cares so much about what people think, how he’s always wondering if people will like what he does or if they'll talk about it. Mark doesn't like the way Jack stretches and cracks his back after sex, or how he always has to go get a beer afterwards instead of just laying in bed and maybe talking together about why things are bad. But of all things, Mark _hates_ that his best friend just pretends everything's alright, that he interrupts Mark when he tries bringing up whatever Jack doesn't want to discuss. He hates that Jack is selfish, but if he weren't, Mark may not even still be in the picture.

Neither of them say anything as they just sit in Jack and Signe's bedroom and think. Mark about how worried and concerned he is, for Signe and the community and Jack and everyone, while Jack wonders how sturdy the ceiling fan spinning above them is.

"Well don't act like you're all upset. It's a little late for that." Jack sounds tired as he finally speaks, maybe a little bored. He just really needs a drink.

"I just don't understand."

Yeah, he’s heard that before. Jack doesn't really understand either, so he doesn't bother trying to find some explanation to give Mark. Without another thought he turns to his friend and says, "If you were drunk, I would love you." It makes Mark smile a little even though he looks sort of sad. He knows Jack meant it lightly, that he's joking, but he also knows that somewhere in that statement there's truth; that Jack only truly enjoys spending time with him when they’re both out of their right minds, so that they don’t have to think about the consequences of being together. 

Soon enough Mark doesn't look upset or happy or anything, drops his smile and everything else like he's learned to do, like Jack has inadvertently taught him to do. He just shrugs with this blank look and lets Jack leave to go get something for them to drink from the kitchen.

A little later, Jack's fingertips are cold on Mark's skin, running up his leg and across his bare stomach. Vaguely Mark wonders if Jack touches Signe this same way, if it's routine for him to start at his collarbones or his shaking thighs, working slowly with clammy, dragging fingers all the way to the middle where it matters; only because he does the same to his fiancée on the weekends. But then Jack kisses him and he kind of forgets why he was trying to figure that out, tells himself he doesn't really want to know, anyway.

\--

Around everyone else, it's different. Mark smiles, Jack smiles, they all share a laugh and clink their glasses together. Sometimes Signe is there too. Jack wishes he could tell her she's just making it worse.

"Last night was fun." She reminisces lazily, smirking at her fiancée with her fingers twirled in her hair. Her nails are long and painted. Jack thinks of how Mark bites his.

"Yeah." Is all that comes out as a response. Jack fails to mention that Mark texted him the exact same thing that morning. He remembers how the afternoon before, Mark had come over when Signe was still home. He remembers staring at the way Mark smiled at his girl and told them both he was happy to be invited to the party. They had a good time when the rest of the crowd was around, Ken and Felix and even Matthias showing up for a get-together. But in the bathroom in the middle of the evening, Mark got upset when Jack had found him, led him away from the party, and asked him to stop touching so much when they were around the others, because Signe sometimes gets a little annoyed with it and they just can't risk it anyway. When Mark became frustrated, Jack kissed him to calm him down, the only way he knew how. It turned the good time together with friends into fucking right there against the bathroom wall, all with Signe right outside. Jack tries to ignore the bitter taste of irony.

"Yeah, it was really fun." He adds, watching her face light up before she leans in to kiss him with red painted lips. He never responded to Mark's text.

\--

In the dark, Mark's mouth tastes different. When Jack has him pressed down into the mattress and is feeding on every noise he makes, with the curtains drawn and the moon out, Mark doesn't taste as sinful as he really is. Still good, still so fucking good, but less like hurt and remorse and whatever else Mark manages to make Jack feel just by looking at him. Maybe it's because Jack can't really see him, and if he can't see it, then he can pretend it's not happening. He does that all the time anyway, acts fine around Signe and their friends, and even Mark when he's not allowed to show everything else. Mark tastes different in the dark. But it's still so very bad either way.

"I'm not good with death." Mark admits into the open air afterwards, laying there with his breathing a little ragged and irregular still. It's thick, though, the air between them. And it isn't just a certain horrible aspect in their lives that will fade away with time, like they like to pretend it is. It's bad, and they're in too deep. The air is an uncomfortable kind of thick. It's not going away.

Jack thinks it's scary how Mark seems to be reading his mind. And maybe he even feels a little guilty as he stares up at the ceiling fan, sweat on his skin and sex on his sheets. But what else is new?

\--

"I don't understand what's so hard about this!" Signe is frustrated, obviously trying to keep everything under control, though it's been unfixable ever since Jack first stupidly brought Mark into the equation. There's no point in looking for a way out. Jack has tried, many times, though this was one of the ways he hoped it would not go. This is not his selfish, easy way out.

"Just say you don't like him and we'll be past all of this!"

It's just never that easy. There are three things that Jack has always been afraid of.

"Jack... Why are you... J-Just say you don't like him, alright?"

Losing Mark.

"Stop looking at me like you're feeling fucking sorry for me. Tell me what's going on."

Losing Signe.

"I... You've been... You're fucking sick, you know that? With how long we've been together, and you just- What, were you planning to fuck him even after we were married? God, I can't look at you, I swear I won't miss you, Jack."

And dying.

The slam of the front door would shake him, but he's trembling already. It's not fear that does it though, because he's not scared. Everything just came crashing down and there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. Now that his worst fears have become a reality, there isn't anything left to him. He's shaking out of anticipation, ready to finally do what he should have done from the very beginning.

He's just making everybody happy.

One short trip into the bedroom later and he finds a belt laying on the floor in front of the closet, and it should really sicken him that when he picks it up, he realizes it's Mark's. It doesn't though, if anything makes him smile a little. He can't get held up on the little things though, because if he let himself do that, he'd be there all night, looking through old pictures and papers and things that hardly even matter anymore. He wishes he could, but if he wastes anymore time, Signe might come back. And he loves her too much to let her stop this from happening.

He's staring up at that ceiling fan with a little glimmer in his eye when his phone rings. Seeing it's Mark, something in him can't resist, so he goes for it. He's never able to resist when it comes to Mark. They talk curtly in short sentences, Mark because he's a little fed up, and Jack because he's tired, ready to go. It always feels weird to have Signe's name come out of Mark's mouth, but this time, it stings more than usual when it hits Jack’s ears. Mark sounds angry. Jack just wants to get this over with and calm him down. Everything will be better.

"Meet me at the gas station by your house." Mark arranges and sighs, frustrated at how long it takes for Jack to say anything back.

"Alright." Jack replies distractedly, twisting the leather in his hand while glancing between it and the ceiling fan.

"Just, don't be mad if I'm a little late."


End file.
